I was robbed in Guatemala and I’m super glad. My wallet wasn’t taken or anything. It wasn’t scary at all. But I came back with less than I left with.

Before I left on my first mission trip for Guatemala my husband Phil said that he couldn’t wait to see how I handled not having any say in what we did or when we did it. He knew how difficult it would be for me to feel helpless. I’m a planner. I think that if I have a good enough plan and everyone follows that plan then everything is going to be okay. A planner, that’s what I thought. I learned in Guatemala that my planning covers deep anxiety. I’m not a planner, I’m a worrier.

I worried about going on the trip (Phil was shocked when I told him I was thinking about going). I worried before the trip. I worried on the way to the airport. I worried on the plane. I worried when we landed. But then, when the doors of the airport slid open and I took my first steps out into Guatemala something happened. I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and excitement. I wasn’t in control, I was exhausted, nauseous, I missed my kids and I felt completely helpless. But my anxiety was gone. The underlying, always present need to hold on to everything slipped away.

I hadn’t willfully done anything differently but it felt like I was snuggled deep in a blanket that someone had draped over me. It took a few days to understand what was going on, but I came to realize that what had happened was that I stopped thinking about myself. I literally felt a weight on me and I knew that it was God's grace covering me and my family. For some reason God chose to show me what trust feels like.

The feeling hasn’t stayed, but in Guatemala God robbed me of my sad delusion of control. I’m back in the land of schedules and plans. Schedules and plans aren’t bad, but the anxiety, my lack of trust masquerading as planning, has been unmasked. So, I wake up and pray. I ask God for strength to trust his will. I meditate on his sovereignty and my helplessness. I focus on his goodness and his greatness. I fight my lack of trust with worship.

Marianne Walker